Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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