everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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