just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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