its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
