I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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