Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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