I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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