omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
