is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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