The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
