im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
