btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
