I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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