Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize