Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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