I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
