i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
where am i from again
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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