I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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