Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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