I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
