when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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