my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
