Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
