My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
