I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I touched a dick in church today
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
