saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
