It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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