just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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