do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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