why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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