Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
