Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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