my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
