Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
