can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
