toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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