Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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