so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
