Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
