Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
