mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
