i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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