I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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