i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
