u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My penis needs a shock collar
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
