I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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