Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
