Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
