i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
