my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
