did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
