did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
