why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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