Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
