You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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