What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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