Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
